The Toughest Battle

It has been for quite some time, that I have actually had my modest feet on this planet. And all through this journey called "Life", there's been always one thing that I have been in search of. That even though that this Life is a constant struggle and battle against all odds, but which is the most toughest of them all. The one battle that might even shake the most prudent and the most collected of us, the one that is the most critical in our entire lives.

Initially I thought that failure was the one. To face one's failures has always been difficult, because of the inherent ego in us doesn't allow us to admit our shortcomings at any cost. I have had a list of them, and every time I saw a dead end, I would be more dejected and disheartened than the last time. But after the long string of failures I have had, one thought does creep up, that isn't the process of failure inherent to improve ourselves, a reminder that we are still "Human" in our capabilities and that life never has to come to a standstill as only quagmires can thrive in a standstill environ. So aren't failures meant to unshackle our lives from the quagmires of complacency. This is what I believe to be true.

Then I thought that the loss of someone very close has always been our worst fear, and the toughest battle to face. I , as a person, has always been very possessive of the people I care for, be it my family, my friends or my someone special. The very thought of losing them to anyone else or fate always gave me the jitters and a feeling of void in my heart, a void that nothing could fill. Eventually life taught me otherwise, as I had to let go of the one person I cared for the most. And it was then I learnt a lesson, that is the more you care of a person, the less you have the desire to "Own" them as it becomes apparent that sometimes things happen for the better. You care less for your own happiness of them being around and more about them leading a fulfilled life, be it with you or without you.

The more I thought, the more I faced a dead end. As in the end everything happens as there is a reason and a lesson to be learnt. So guess any battle in life, be it as tough as it may be, always happens for a good. That was it . Full stop?

It wasn't till recently I realized that there is a battle that we wage daily and is the most difficult battle of them all. The battle that is only privy to our own selves as individuals. Our very own battles that we fight daily, the one against our very own conscience, the battle with our inner voice. Why is the most difficult? It is so because in the long run that it is this battle defines the concept of "Us"as a person over our entire lives. Our own privy battles that we are at ends with every day of our lives. And yes, I would definitely rate this as the most toughest battle of my life. As this is the one battle that I would say defines the meaning of my entire life.

This is the true joy of life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one.

- George Bernard Shaw

The Real and the "Reel" ( Mere Reflections..)

* This topic isn't a discussion but just a window for the pent up frustration and anger inside me.

Nowadays, the most clichéd dialog one might hear is "All is well". And thats how I took things to be (even if this was for a short period) before I realized that what makes Life so "Real".

Hope and Fate are one of the two most sought after in this world. One is what we always rely upon and the other is what we most definitely want to change. Just yesterday even I was the same, Hope that things will happen as I certainly wanted them to be and sure that I would make our fates meet.

But today I realize that this is what is the "Reel" part in life. Always having the hope that fate will be what we want it to be. People actually call this optimism. But I call it imprudent and irrational.

Why imprudent and irrational, I mean what the hell is wrong in being hopeful, in being "optimistic" and having the faith that we actually are in control of our own Fate. Let me link this with the experience that actually changed my beliefs from the "Reel" to the "Real".

Throughout my life I have been more of a "Real" person. But the past few months brought into my life remnants from my past, a certain someone. She was one of the only few people left that actually were important to me in my life, so important that for once I had to let her go because I could foresee that continuing on with things as they were was futile. Having her back once again was something that made for once believe that I should be "Optimistic" and that things can turn out the way I want if I try real hard. The more I tried, the more our fates seemed to be moving apart. But with every gust of wind that blew all my efforts to waste, I stood up more determined than the last time. Every time I put in more effort than the previous. Even though the hope dwindled, but I tried relighting the flame with the belief that there was this certain "Fate" that I had to attain. That we were and we are meant to be together. She even mentioned that she moved on, that you mean nothing to me now, that you should try letting it go, that you should try to understand. But all I said was "All is well". For once, life could be "Reel" was what I believed. With every passing day, my resolve grew stronger, and I started basing my decision in life based on the two of us, trying to encompass her being within the boundaries of my own.

But with every failed attempt, frustration grew. Sometimes it grew out of bounds to an extent that I could manage it to control no further. The way she acted, the way she talked, the way she answered back, everything started affecting the minutest of details in my life. And given the fatalistic mode I was in, I felt as if nothing else mattered to me in life. This was the only thing I was meant to attain.

And it grew to an all time high, yesterday. It was then that something stuck my mind. Why was I basing my life on someone that I now hardly know. Someone who hadn't shown the tiniest bit of trust and faith in what I had done. Someone who had not even bothered to even inquire about the basis of my actions in the first place. Someone who can't even understand my actions, my words and my feelings. It was then it struck me, the reason why she held that importance in my life. It was something she said to me once. Something that was lodged in my head forever. "It can be just one person in my life". Something which now, as I know, wasn't true. It was more of a revelation. And It was then it hit me, that this wasn't suppose to be. As she wasn't the same as before or maybe she wasn't that way at all, just pretending all the time along. All the time I thought I was at fault, but now I knew, it was either that I was fooled or that at the very least the fault wasn't on my part. And so I finally did decide to let this madness go.

I realized from this experience, that hope and fate are two things that one should never cater to simultaneously i.e. you should never "Hope" for a certain "Fate". If one does so, one relinquishes control of his beliefs and his reason, and lets mere emotions drive his action. He loses sight of what is right and what is not. And so he starts to lose his sanity which drives him further from the realm of reason and more into the depths of irrationality. At the end of the day, one should realize that life is as Real as it gets.

And that life is as simple as it gets, and as complicated as you make it.

Life and its Entirety..

Well its been quite some time since I last wrote. And it was all because I was busy chasing a Fools Errand. But lately I have been contemplating on things that seem to me to be the Entirety of one's life.

In account of my experiences in the past few weeks, I have been asking myself one thing over and over again. What constitutes life? And this is not a biological, anthropomorphic, theological or scientific question. This is as I would say a "Philosophical" one.

Now why I choose it to be a Philosophical one. All the knowledge in this world can be either certain or uncertain. The certainty of knowledge can have its basis in a scientific reason or a theological belief. That is either it has been tried, tested and verified or it is a certain dogmas. And even though we can try to answer the above question to form a certainty of believes for the above question. But at the end of the day, the only certainty in Life is its uncertainty. And it is Philosophy that deals with things "Uncertain".

So what constitutes Life? What should be the basis for life? These question almost always keep on popping in my head. And through certain level on inquiry, I have established a certain position on what actually life might be.

As I see life, as nothing but a mixture of emotions, actions and ethics(or morals). It may be actions resulting from emotions or emotions resulting from actions. And using our ethics we form the basis for whether our actions and emotions were "Right" or "Wrong". Morals are something that basically form the basis of our beliefs and we judge everything out there in the world based on these Morals. Logic, Reason, Experience, Knowledge and all other facets generally develop later on in our life due to the culmination of either or all the three basic constituents in certain scenarios. Like Knowledge can be acquired through action and ethics, i.e. by reading a book and then judging it whether it is right or wrong and then accepting it.They are not inherent in us, but acquired at various stages of life.

So, forming a basis of Life on the above mentioned facets, I see life constituted in just three questions. "What to do?", "Why to do?" and "How to do?". What to do is a question which arises out of emotion or our believes, that is what need to be done. Why to do is a question that screens the "What to do" part using our ethics to know whether it is right or wrong taking into consideration the actions and the emotions resulting from it, not only in oneself, but also all the other people around. And the How to do part basically formulates a course of action. It is when all these three question are answered, is when it is fruitful to undergo the arduous journey of life. The "Do" part may be anything, something big or something as insignificant as shopping for grocery, but answering all three of them is a pre-requisite.

Now one might ask that why answering all of them is a pre-requisite and it might seem a question as valid as any. Let me go about it one question at a time.

When one doesn't define, What needs be done, whatever action one might perform and whatever rigors one might put in, without the proper goal definition i.e. without knowing what should be the end result of all the hard work one has put in, all efforts are futile. Its like hiking to the top of a mountain and not knowing where to go next.

If one doesn't know why it needs be done or even there is a slightest doubt in one's mind that why it needs be done, a man can never acquire true satisfaction. What I mean to know is, when one doesn't know the impact of the task at hand, even if he successfully attains his goal, without proper understanding of the requirement and the impact of his actions, one can never attain true satisfaction from what one has achieved.

And I think I need not provide an explanation for the How needs be done part. Because without knowing how to do it i.e. without formulating a proper course of action, one can never actually attain what he is set out to do.

Just by this bit of introspection, can we make all endeavors in our life not only successful, but also satisfying. And what is Life all about? It is all about such successful and satisfying endeavors, so that at the end of the day One enjoy living a fulfilled life.

Expectations.. The downfall of the mortals.!!

Just recently I had a fight with a someone special. It wasn't all that bad, but this was one side I had promised I would never show to her. And when it happened, it sent me into a somewhat retrogressive mode. I actually tried to understand, what was it that triggered this in me.


It took me all night to actually come up with the explanation, after hours and hours of introspection, I did find the culprit. It was one of the basic characteristic of human behavior, Expectation. And the expectations I am talking about aren't those which a man does expect of oneself to achieve, because they are the sole reason for his existence, to ever aspire for newer heights. But we are going to talk about expectations one has from his fellow beings.


Well, expectations are something that come naturally to every man. It is completely normal to have them, but is it right to have them is the question in contention. As humans we should remember that we come into this world alone, and even though we are assisted in this journey of life by several people, but we should remember the fact, that one day when we do leave this world, we will also leave behind all these worldly possessions of ours.


But before establishing the feeling of "Having Expectations" as wrong or right. We must question ourself, how does this emotion or feeling actually propagate.


The answer is simple, "Attachments". Every man always needs a caring hand to pull him through the tough times in life, a shoulder to share his burden throughout his life, a person to intimately share his life with and others to establish and re-iterate his own being. These attachments, this feeling of dependence on others sometimes leads the person to start to expect certain behavior from these individuals. And that is where the chain starts.


So, is it right to expect of others. I would say "No", "Absolutely Not". Why do I say so, well this answer finds its roots in that days ordeals and my analysis of that ordeal.


After sending the very last message of that day, I tried closing my eyes forcibly trying to put myself to sleep. But guilt had the better of me. Why did I have to behave in such a way, as I often take pride in my Composed and Chivalrous self. And soon I started going through all that had happened with her over the past few months.


I had promised my self, that never would I have any expectations here. Because I knew I didn't deserve to have them in the first place. But as already I mentioned, a man always needs to be cared for, always searches for that caring hand he thinks will help him undergo this arduous journey, and when I saw that hand again, my primordial instincts bettered my usual self. Day in and day out, the only thoughts that occurred in my mind was,"Why the hell did I let go of it?" and "What would I have to do to get it back?". And soon memories from the past flooded my memory chambers. And little did I realize, that I was already expecting her to be what she was 4 years ago.


But I got my answer soon enough, and I would say that it was too soon for comfort, straight on my face. She said, "I have moved on." And not only this, she brought to my knowledge that that very caring hand I longed for was ready to fill in the gaps of someone else's hand. It took me sometime to get over this shock, but I did with great courage and bravardo. I decided to lock all my emotions and put up a facade, "Yeah I'm totally fine by it." Little did I realize that this was creeping all the way into my system corrupting my insides and mellowing me. My straight face, was gaunt with the resolve to actually help her move on. But on the other hand I discarded my very own need, that I needed it more than her. And with a brief passage of time the last barrages of my sanity started to give in. And as this dam of restraint broke, my logic was short circuited with all feelings of the past. And then I started expecting, and that too things that under normal circumstances I would have termed as Unattainable and Unthinkable. And with that started my absurd quest of winning her back to my side, though fair to say, it ended soon enough. And when I realized that I had lost that touch of her hand, the one I longed for, rage bested me in all aspects. And that culminated into the events that transpired that night.


But after that, I realized that all that had taken place, was nothing but due to my own capricious nature. That I still longed for never meant that the same feeling would be reciprocated. That even though I expected her to behave in the very same manner she did 4 years ago, it was time I realized I had already lost that position to someone else. And to realize the fact, that she was a free human, and even though I expect from her, I shouldn't actually expect her to reciprocate my "Expectations". That now, I was again a no-body and I didn't have the right to "Expect" from her anymore as I had already lost that very place.


Its was then at that very moment, I did realize, that it was these very expectations that you have from people around you that leads to the downfall of us "Mortals". It is not wrong to expect but it is wrong to expect those things would actually transpire, that the other person would actually reciprocate your feelings and do as you expect from him. And expecting a person to do so is morally wrong in all aspects as a man is born free into this world, not chained to any of the earthly bondings. He possesses his own free will to act in a way befitting his nature and his quest for survival. And unto every man is his own intellect and wisdom, tools which when coalesces with his emotions and will transpire into action. Hence, every man is free to act in the best way he chooses to. Any kind of expectation from his fellow beings is an insult to his freedom. And that is the most important lesson I did learn from this experience.


So in the what was my plan of action. Initially, I thought of talking this over with her, but the more I thought over it the more did I realize, that the only thing in the end I did care about was happiness, for the both of us. And by talking this out, I would be trying to falsely imbibe in her feelings which were now long forgotten and had given way to some new ones. And I shouldn't be, in any way, a deterrent to these new emotions. I finally realized that though there was once a time when that hand did cusp my own, and finally it was time to let it fill some one else's life. And even though it wouldn't happen suddenly, but with a brief passage of time, by reducing the contact time with her, I would try to get as far away as possible.


And as for me, a person resistant to change, with myself attuned to the soft caress of hers, it would be impossible to move on. But with the friends I have, burying it again in some depths of my heart, though difficult, will soon be facilitated. And then once again I would return to living a solemn but a fulfilled life.



*P.S.: With all due respect, this is the only place where I can take all my frustrations out. Thanks mate for being there..!!!!!!

Baby.. And I'd trade it all.. for a Moonlight Kiss..

I can feel my heart
And it's fit to burst
I try to clean it up
But I just get worse

Wish I could fall
On a night like this
Into your lovin' arms
For a moonlight kiss

I thought I saw your face
In the evenin' sky
On a lonesome cloud
That was driftin' by

I wish I could fall
On a night like this
Into your lovin' arms
For a moonlight kiss

You got someone else
Maybe it's for the best
Since I took the cure
For happiness

And I'd trade it all
On a night like this
For your lovin' arms
And a moonlight kiss

For your lovin' arms
And a moonlight kiss

Lovin' arms
And a moonlight kiss
Ooh, yeah

Life and Rain... Confessions..

Well its June here. And hell yeah, its raining.

I have this theory called the "Rain Syndrome". Whenever it rains, the human minds becomes kinda retrospective and you generally tend to contemplate on things that have already happened in the past. The decisions you took, the mistakes you've made. And yeah that's what happening to me right now.

Well there is this thing I have been meaning to write about for quite some time. Its about life in general. Like what makes life so good and what makes it so bad.

In the past 4 years, I have been like through hell and back. Mistakes, Bigger Mistakes, Bad Decisions, Deception, Lies and what not. But still they have been like the most unforgettable years(though not as the year preceding these 4 years) of my life courtesy my amazing friends. And at such times you generally have a thought. Why doesn't life be all happy. Why don't we have utopia, A Perfect place with no sorrow. Why do we have the bad things. Why not everything good. And I know many a people feel the same. Why do we make mistakes. And why do things hurt a lot. Ahh, the rain certainly gets to the human mind. Nature has its own shrewd and mysterious ways to get to a person.

The last time it was raining, I remember I met the love of my life. It was the first time I saw her at a tuition. And even though rain is one of nature's most invigorating sights, but in her backdrop, all seemed faded grey. And yeah, though it took me quite some time, but she painted my life in colors I could never imagine. But how can everything remain so perfect.

Just when I got over with all my exams, a terrible thing happened to my family. And I remember, even that day it was raining. It was the 23rd of May, 2006. And again, nature had the better of the human. I began contemplating again about everything in life. I wonder many a times that how a moment can change the whole course of one's life. I thought a lot. About many things. But the only thing that came to my mind was "If this happens, will I still be ever able to support her?". You see, when you're not sure about a thing, you gradually tend to think a lot. And when you think a lot, you generally make a wrong decision. And thats what I did. I decided it was better to let her go, because may be I won't be able to come to her expectations and that was something unacceptable being the egotist I am.

It is said that, the only thing that heals a broken heart is time. I tried time and again. But then we had a talk in between. I realized she was over me and it was only me lingering on to something that I had let go in the first place. And yeah, as she sounded, hell no I would never had made it up to her expectations. So finally my heart was at peace.It took me more than 3 years, but then at the end of it "Kites" happened. Guys I know not many of you might have liked that movie, but seriously that movie was amazing. That movie made me realize that it wasn't all about me. What were her expectations, or her loved ones expectations I never asked. You know, sometimes the only thing you need is Faith. And that was I had lacked. Sometimes all it takes is a simple sentence, and in my case it would have been "Baby together we will make it work."

The thing is that life is as simple as it gets and as complicated as you make it. And we generally tend to make it complicated hence missing on the fun of the simple things in life. And one of the most simplest things in life is Love. And at the end of this 5 year long journey, though we still end up as friends. But these 5 years have been my single biggest achievement.

I realized that I do Love someone, uninhibitedly i.e. it had been an uninhibited emotion, even the mistake that I did make was because I cared. And that is what my achievement is. I see in the world around me, people bound by reality which is nothing but some crap invented around them. Not living like themselves because of tons of inhibitions, be it parental, from friends, from the society. Many of the people that I know around me fail to be who they actually are. Because they are busy pleasing other people. Yeah they say they are people important to them, but you know, the only happiness to them is that when you are happy. My father always says to me, "Son, go out there live your life, be happy, and that is the single source of happiness and strength for me. Don't ever try to do things for my sake. Live for your own cause. Its just one life you get. Don't waste it in living it up to other peoples expectations". And I take pride in feeling an emotion that wasn't hindered by anything.

Well guys, thats all that the Rain had to get out of me for this time. Maybe something else for the next time.

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

Truth

"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free"-Bible, John 8:32

Ahhh behold, the most sought after word, a word that gave rise to countless ascetics and hermits, a word that lays the foundations of existence and yet at the same time may shake the very foundations of existing structures, Truth.

In the 20 years of my living, not only have I heard about this word, but read about this word in so many texts. The only word whose echoes can be heard since time immemorial, and still I find people asking, "What is Truth?"

Well even after using this word almost everyday, people find it difficult to actually define the word. Let me make it simple, in the word itself lies its definition. What is Truth? The answer lies in the word itself. Lets make it even simpler , Truth is something that is concrete and absolute. In any system, until that system remains in the same state, Truth is something that holds true for all possibilities, just like an axiom for a hypothesis.

I was talking to my friends about the same, and told them about what I thought about truth. Then, one of them presented before me, what at first seemed to be an anomaly in the definition, that Truth is subjective. It was illustrated to me via an example. All of us know that dogs are Red-Green colour blind. So what happens when you place a Red ball infront of a Dog and A Human will say it is Red and the Dog (Let's suppose he is one of those CN dogs like Scooby or Scrappy blessed with the ability to communicate in human tongue) will say it is Green. Then who is speaking the truth now.

It took me of balance. Because from this situation it seemed that Truth can be subjective. After much thought, I did realise, that both were speaking the Truth and the definition did hold good. Because, for a Dog who is Red-Green colour blind, thinking of it as a system, under any circumstance, he will observe that ball as Green only and same will be the case with the Man.

But the more I thought, the more I pondered, how can Truth be the same and different at the same time. And then came to my mind another thought, Truth is something that is absolute, then how can it be slave to one's sensory perceptions. It is something outside any mortals perceptions. It is something that already exists, before we even perceived it. It only after perceiving it do we acknowledge the Truth. And then, did I realise, wherein the Truth did lie.

To make things a bit simpler, taking the example of the previous case, the Truth was that the ball existed and the Truth was that the ball was perceived (be it by the Dog or the Man) and the Truth lied in the fact that it produced some sensation that would remain the same for both the Dog and the Man (i.e. until the State of the System is the same). Now giving a name to that sensation or perception as "Red" or "Green" is something I would term as "Knowledge". And it is this Knowledge that we often confuse with Truth. True that Knowledge is a is a justified true belief, but it a belief more or less that has been justified to be termed as true. Hence, Truth is something that is absolute.

But why the Truth. All through our lifetime we read about people who leave their homes in search of the Truth, we might think that what were they trying to achieve. Well (and this is totally my personal opinions, I donot tend to hurt any type of sentiments of any person), that as I mentioned earlier that Truth is something that is absolute, but there can't be countless absolutes in this world. That is what I believe that did those hermits realise, that in the end, our life is governed by one simple truth. And it is for this Universal Truth, to discover it, to live it and then to teach it to other, it was for this noble cause that they did it, something me call as "Moksha" or "Nirvana".

But the sad fact remains, that even after the tries of these champions of society, men termed them as heretics. It was in their beliefs that lied the inherent flaw.The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear. They refuse to come out of their shells and claim the truth. They rather live their lives revolving on Lies that make their lives simple and comfortable rather than following the path of Truth i.e the Path of God. And even if they accidentally themselves stumble upon the truth, they would get up and act as if nothing ever happened and continue with their lives.

In the end, accepting or rejecting it depends on the individual himself. The basic thing remains, that if the foundations on which you base your life is anything but the Truth, then the life you living a false life, a life that isn't worth acknowledging and a life that actually doesn't exist. It is so because it is the Truth that sets you free from the chains of this mortal world. But rather than standing on the Vantage ground of Truth, we take pleasure in wandering in the Tempest below.

Many say that why not lie if it makes things work for you. The answer lies in the fact, that like in a gold coin, even though by adding a hint of copper, we increase its workability, but by doing so, we also side by side reduce its value. That is what is the case with a Lie.

In the end it's all but a personal choice.

"If it be well weighed, to say that a man lieth, is as much to say, as that he is brave towards God and a coward towards men."- Montaigne.

Knowledge and Wisdom

"Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life."-Immanuel Kant

We humans are some of the most gifted of all animals. Our mental faculty is one of the most developed in all the Animal Kingdom. And it is on this, Our Intellect, that our sole survival depends. Two words echo quite often- Knowledge and Wisdom.

Well to think of it, to any individual both Knowledge and Wisdom might seem synonymous. Both seem to point to the same thing: A measure of a Man's intellect. That is how we take it.

Knowledge maybe defined as justified true belief i.e. it is a belief backed by reason. It might be appropriate to say that knowledge is something that is bounded to one's rationality and is acquired via learning, i.e. knowledge depends on one's formal education, his perceptions and what he observes.As Confucius aptly puts it:"When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge."

Wisdom can be aptly described as knowledge coupled with judgement. Wisdom is a byproduct of one's experience and capabilities. Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.

"Not by age but by capacity is wisdom acquired."-Titus Maccius Plautus.

So far, it might still seem that both bear resemblance, but the fact is both Knowledge and Wisdom as entirely exclusive terms. It might occur to a person, that Wisdom comes with Knowledge, but without the Capacity for Wisdom, a man cannot be called Wise. It is so because Wisdom,as mentioned earlier, involves two key parameters:

1. Knowledge
2. Judgement

Now a man could have Knowledge, and yes it is a prerequisite for Wisdom. But Judgement is something that truly determines a man's Wisdom. And Judgement is based on one's understanding, experience,discretion and emotional neutrality. Hence, Wisdom is not a byproduct of Knowledge, the two are mutually exclusive entities.

"To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe."-Marilyn vos Savant