And it still goes on..

At times, one wonders why things are as they are and not as they should be. Trivial as might this statement sound, but the meaning is simple, why don't things work out as you want them to be. The Culprits can be listless, Time, Circumstance, Resolve, Decisions or Plain dumb luck, and when everything comes together to ensure just that you falter, then what does a man do. 

At times I feel so weird, after achieving everything that one might want, there's still this craving in this heart, about things undone and wishes unfulfilled. You might have the best, but the emptiness of just one thing, just a lone single thing, can ensure that all other factors are outweighed. And how can just one thing mean the whole world to a person? I'm baffled and at the same time stuck with this question. 

People say, truly desire something, and the whole universe will conspire to help you get it. How wrong this is, is what only I can tell. Truly desire something, and try asking the universe to conspire into helping you, and all that you get is in the Trance of just wanting that one thing. Everything you do, every principle you follow, is just for the sake of just that one desire that you want. And then a mad hope takes over, that its meant to be, hence it will be. So mad is this hope, that even when you know there's not even the remotest of possibilities of it happening, still in your hearts or hearts that is the only desire that you have. 

And then, you're left with no cure. The aching feeling, of emptiness and hollowness is only filled by the longing desire of want, further amplifying the pain and then follows this vicious cycle. Till you're just consumed with the thought of just that desire. My simple question is, Just why things are and not as they should be? Why?


In the end, this is The only thing I'd want to say!

I wish I could just this. This once!!

When the night has come

And the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we'll see

No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

Oh darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me

Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon

Should tumble and fall

And the mountains should crumble to the sea

I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me

Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah

Whenever you´re in trouble won't you stand

by me, oh now now stand by me

Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me

Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

The First fall.. The Hardest fall..

"Only if you can be my first. Only if you can be my last."

I remember these words vividly in my memory, as if it just happened yesterday. There I was standing, confessing for the very first time in my life, that I loved her, that I'd do anything for her. And this was her reply.

The foolish and romantic times, when the human soul for the first time realizes that Lord God had created our form, incomplete, only to be completed by the form of the other. That there is Yin and there is Yang, that fire loses control without water and that water loses its meaning without fire. That the opposite of a proton is electron, and alone are but energy quantified, but together they are the building blocks of the entire universe.That there is unity in opposites. That opposites complete each other. That opposites complement each other. Yes, it is this experience that makes us realize, there exists a word "Soulmate" in every Cupid dictionary.

I remember the time as if it just happened yesterday. I still remember the lingering fragrance of the her shampoo she used the first time when I saw her. How foolhardily I used to make sure I was before time on every tuition, just to ensure that I could look at her lovely face a little bit longer. My mind, like a blank and unwritten slate, was left etched and graffiti-ed by her images, which still cannot be purged by any amount of scrubbing. You might try hiding it in some corner, try erasing it, but the lingering memory always forms a part of some of the best moments you ever had in life.

And yes, If you still haven't guessed, well I am talking about first love. My first love happened when I was still young and naive. When I was ready to love, but not ready to take responsibility. I was ready to commit my all, but when it came to action, I faltered. And to this day do I regret losing out on my First Love. Losing out on her. The only girl, that even till now, I'd ever want to spent an entire "Entirety" with.

She taught me what it means to love. She taught me sacrifice. She instilled in me courage and the motivation to perform. And today, though I can say, that I have attained that a meager population of our entire country aspire of achieving, but without her presence here with me, it all stands meaningless.

The cure of a broken heart is time. But time can't heal the emptiness that is left by a person, who was ready to accept you most unrefined and innate form. Many might come and then many might go, but she is and always would be "Numero Uno".

Yes, my first fall was my hardest fall, from which I am still yet to recover. The experience was, as they say, once in a lifetime. And yes, no one can and will ever be able to take her place.

The me that stood there that day, asking her out, was just an amateur. If I had had the opportunity to meet him today, I would tell him, that she is an amazing girl. She will teach you things that would define in your head what love is all about. And never ever leave her. But as I still know, the time machine will never be invented(and this argument will be discussed in a later post) and so I can't fight the evil called "Fate".

But I know this much, that the difference between that me and this me, is all because of her. And that even though we crossed paths for what would be an insignificant moment in her life, but it was that insignificant moment, that transformed to who I am today. And for all those people who are still in this awesome experience, just one piece of advice: " Guys you get better with time. She accepted you at your worse, and will change you for your Good. Respect her. Love her."

Why is it?

At times it seems that no one seems to get you right. You are unable to put yourself forward as the person you are to anyone. And when the person is someone you love, oh so deeply, and that very person disregards your very own feelings, it is then when the only way to pass time is to sleep. But the sandman isn't so nice, and every passing second feels like eons of solitude.

What happens when the very person, you regard the most, doesn't care a damn about what you feel. When that very person believes that it is only the people that surround them that care. But not those, who prefer to remain in the sidelines and dedicate every single second of their life to their name. All you get for your selfless sacrifice. Solitude.

Solitude does to a person what nothing else can do. Especially, when you actually sacrifice everything for the one person you want to spend an eternity with. But they prefer people who can just make them smile for no rhyme or reason and then wither away into oblivion. And it is such people who get all the support and all the care. And not us unlucky fools, who have dedicated whatever they can muster to their name. It is at such a time when you actually realize that you are all alone. A singularity, uncared for? Is it that a moments worth of smile carries more than an eternity's worth of sacrifice? Why is it that people who sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of the other persons happiness tend to lose out to those knick-knackers who just come in for a while and then 5 years down the line even our very own memory fails to remember them.

This is one of the plights that I am facing at this point of time. Something I am unable understand. Something that has made me alone as I was a little while ago. When the previous left, entailed was the baggage of misery that shrouded me for months and months. But I thought that was bound to change and life deserves a second chance. But Solitude is all that begets a person who gives his all. One of life's lessons learnt the hard way.

So I sign out as a person all alone but wiser though. That Love's labors are all lost.

The Toughest Battle

It has been for quite some time, that I have actually had my modest feet on this planet. And all through this journey called "Life", there's been always one thing that I have been in search of. That even though that this Life is a constant struggle and battle against all odds, but which is the most toughest of them all. The one battle that might even shake the most prudent and the most collected of us, the one that is the most critical in our entire lives.

Initially I thought that failure was the one. To face one's failures has always been difficult, because of the inherent ego in us doesn't allow us to admit our shortcomings at any cost. I have had a list of them, and every time I saw a dead end, I would be more dejected and disheartened than the last time. But after the long string of failures I have had, one thought does creep up, that isn't the process of failure inherent to improve ourselves, a reminder that we are still "Human" in our capabilities and that life never has to come to a standstill as only quagmires can thrive in a standstill environ. So aren't failures meant to unshackle our lives from the quagmires of complacency. This is what I believe to be true.

Then I thought that the loss of someone very close has always been our worst fear, and the toughest battle to face. I , as a person, has always been very possessive of the people I care for, be it my family, my friends or my someone special. The very thought of losing them to anyone else or fate always gave me the jitters and a feeling of void in my heart, a void that nothing could fill. Eventually life taught me otherwise, as I had to let go of the one person I cared for the most. And it was then I learnt a lesson, that is the more you care of a person, the less you have the desire to "Own" them as it becomes apparent that sometimes things happen for the better. You care less for your own happiness of them being around and more about them leading a fulfilled life, be it with you or without you.

The more I thought, the more I faced a dead end. As in the end everything happens as there is a reason and a lesson to be learnt. So guess any battle in life, be it as tough as it may be, always happens for a good. That was it . Full stop?

It wasn't till recently I realized that there is a battle that we wage daily and is the most difficult battle of them all. The battle that is only privy to our own selves as individuals. Our very own battles that we fight daily, the one against our very own conscience, the battle with our inner voice. Why is the most difficult? It is so because in the long run that it is this battle defines the concept of "Us"as a person over our entire lives. Our own privy battles that we are at ends with every day of our lives. And yes, I would definitely rate this as the most toughest battle of my life. As this is the one battle that I would say defines the meaning of my entire life.

This is the true joy of life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one.

- George Bernard Shaw

The Real and the "Reel" ( Mere Reflections..)

* This topic isn't a discussion but just a window for the pent up frustration and anger inside me.

Nowadays, the most clichéd dialog one might hear is "All is well". And thats how I took things to be (even if this was for a short period) before I realized that what makes Life so "Real".

Hope and Fate are one of the two most sought after in this world. One is what we always rely upon and the other is what we most definitely want to change. Just yesterday even I was the same, Hope that things will happen as I certainly wanted them to be and sure that I would make our fates meet.

But today I realize that this is what is the "Reel" part in life. Always having the hope that fate will be what we want it to be. People actually call this optimism. But I call it imprudent and irrational.

Why imprudent and irrational, I mean what the hell is wrong in being hopeful, in being "optimistic" and having the faith that we actually are in control of our own Fate. Let me link this with the experience that actually changed my beliefs from the "Reel" to the "Real".

Throughout my life I have been more of a "Real" person. But the past few months brought into my life remnants from my past, a certain someone. She was one of the only few people left that actually were important to me in my life, so important that for once I had to let her go because I could foresee that continuing on with things as they were was futile. Having her back once again was something that made for once believe that I should be "Optimistic" and that things can turn out the way I want if I try real hard. The more I tried, the more our fates seemed to be moving apart. But with every gust of wind that blew all my efforts to waste, I stood up more determined than the last time. Every time I put in more effort than the previous. Even though the hope dwindled, but I tried relighting the flame with the belief that there was this certain "Fate" that I had to attain. That we were and we are meant to be together. She even mentioned that she moved on, that you mean nothing to me now, that you should try letting it go, that you should try to understand. But all I said was "All is well". For once, life could be "Reel" was what I believed. With every passing day, my resolve grew stronger, and I started basing my decision in life based on the two of us, trying to encompass her being within the boundaries of my own.

But with every failed attempt, frustration grew. Sometimes it grew out of bounds to an extent that I could manage it to control no further. The way she acted, the way she talked, the way she answered back, everything started affecting the minutest of details in my life. And given the fatalistic mode I was in, I felt as if nothing else mattered to me in life. This was the only thing I was meant to attain.

And it grew to an all time high, yesterday. It was then that something stuck my mind. Why was I basing my life on someone that I now hardly know. Someone who hadn't shown the tiniest bit of trust and faith in what I had done. Someone who had not even bothered to even inquire about the basis of my actions in the first place. Someone who can't even understand my actions, my words and my feelings. It was then it struck me, the reason why she held that importance in my life. It was something she said to me once. Something that was lodged in my head forever. "It can be just one person in my life". Something which now, as I know, wasn't true. It was more of a revelation. And It was then it hit me, that this wasn't suppose to be. As she wasn't the same as before or maybe she wasn't that way at all, just pretending all the time along. All the time I thought I was at fault, but now I knew, it was either that I was fooled or that at the very least the fault wasn't on my part. And so I finally did decide to let this madness go.

I realized from this experience, that hope and fate are two things that one should never cater to simultaneously i.e. you should never "Hope" for a certain "Fate". If one does so, one relinquishes control of his beliefs and his reason, and lets mere emotions drive his action. He loses sight of what is right and what is not. And so he starts to lose his sanity which drives him further from the realm of reason and more into the depths of irrationality. At the end of the day, one should realize that life is as Real as it gets.

And that life is as simple as it gets, and as complicated as you make it.

Life and its Entirety..

Well its been quite some time since I last wrote. And it was all because I was busy chasing a Fools Errand. But lately I have been contemplating on things that seem to me to be the Entirety of one's life.

In account of my experiences in the past few weeks, I have been asking myself one thing over and over again. What constitutes life? And this is not a biological, anthropomorphic, theological or scientific question. This is as I would say a "Philosophical" one.

Now why I choose it to be a Philosophical one. All the knowledge in this world can be either certain or uncertain. The certainty of knowledge can have its basis in a scientific reason or a theological belief. That is either it has been tried, tested and verified or it is a certain dogmas. And even though we can try to answer the above question to form a certainty of believes for the above question. But at the end of the day, the only certainty in Life is its uncertainty. And it is Philosophy that deals with things "Uncertain".

So what constitutes Life? What should be the basis for life? These question almost always keep on popping in my head. And through certain level on inquiry, I have established a certain position on what actually life might be.

As I see life, as nothing but a mixture of emotions, actions and ethics(or morals). It may be actions resulting from emotions or emotions resulting from actions. And using our ethics we form the basis for whether our actions and emotions were "Right" or "Wrong". Morals are something that basically form the basis of our beliefs and we judge everything out there in the world based on these Morals. Logic, Reason, Experience, Knowledge and all other facets generally develop later on in our life due to the culmination of either or all the three basic constituents in certain scenarios. Like Knowledge can be acquired through action and ethics, i.e. by reading a book and then judging it whether it is right or wrong and then accepting it.They are not inherent in us, but acquired at various stages of life.

So, forming a basis of Life on the above mentioned facets, I see life constituted in just three questions. "What to do?", "Why to do?" and "How to do?". What to do is a question which arises out of emotion or our believes, that is what need to be done. Why to do is a question that screens the "What to do" part using our ethics to know whether it is right or wrong taking into consideration the actions and the emotions resulting from it, not only in oneself, but also all the other people around. And the How to do part basically formulates a course of action. It is when all these three question are answered, is when it is fruitful to undergo the arduous journey of life. The "Do" part may be anything, something big or something as insignificant as shopping for grocery, but answering all three of them is a pre-requisite.

Now one might ask that why answering all of them is a pre-requisite and it might seem a question as valid as any. Let me go about it one question at a time.

When one doesn't define, What needs be done, whatever action one might perform and whatever rigors one might put in, without the proper goal definition i.e. without knowing what should be the end result of all the hard work one has put in, all efforts are futile. Its like hiking to the top of a mountain and not knowing where to go next.

If one doesn't know why it needs be done or even there is a slightest doubt in one's mind that why it needs be done, a man can never acquire true satisfaction. What I mean to know is, when one doesn't know the impact of the task at hand, even if he successfully attains his goal, without proper understanding of the requirement and the impact of his actions, one can never attain true satisfaction from what one has achieved.

And I think I need not provide an explanation for the How needs be done part. Because without knowing how to do it i.e. without formulating a proper course of action, one can never actually attain what he is set out to do.

Just by this bit of introspection, can we make all endeavors in our life not only successful, but also satisfying. And what is Life all about? It is all about such successful and satisfying endeavors, so that at the end of the day One enjoy living a fulfilled life.